There’s a spot on my hand. It’s not a mole, I have plenty of those and I know how they look. I had one on the same hand as the spot. It isn’t a freckle either, it’s too weird looking to be a freckle. It isn’t a pockmark or a scar or a scab. I know exactly what it is. There isn’t enough denial in me to pretend. I could scrub but it would still be there and even if I scrubbed it off my skin I would still know that spot existed on me. And this damned spot is a problem that won’t let me be. Continue reading → Out, Damned Spot!
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It’s bad when I decide to get out of the house and head to a coffee shop (any coffee shop), but when I get there I don’t talk to anyone and spend every last second feeling like every set of eyes is on me. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself there’s no way that EVERYONE is looking at me. That it’s self-centered to think that way (I’m not that important, really I’m not). I still can’t stop feeling awkward and unusual and lonely and scared. I pack up my backpack (if I even go into the coffee shop to begin with) and walk to my car and realize that I barely talked to three people all day (all to do with work) and that I haven’t actually touched another human being – actual, physical touch – in a week. The next day, I go out again to try and make some kind of contact but the result is always the same (because I am always the same). And this isn’t the worst. Continue reading → When It’s The Worst
Writing is hard – especially when you aren’t doing it. I should have been writing this whole evening after I got home from work. I had every intention to get some thoughts down, some outlines laid out, some stories started, etcetera, etcetera, Peter etCetera. Continue reading → Edge of Procrastination: Live, Stall, Repeat
Boy, has it been a while since I’ve been on here. I’ve been busy finding myself (turns out I was hiding in the couch cushions the whole time (I’m so sorry for that, please forgive me)). And maybe it wasn’t that I was busy finding myself but finding my way through and maybe just a little bit afraid of all the things I wrote before. I even thought maybe I should just delete this and start all over with another blog but screw it. My habit of quitting things because they aren’t perfect is something I need to break. Continue reading → Turns Out I Was Just Mostly Dead
I got a new job. I started last week. It’s a manager position. That’s something to get excited about. So why have I come home every night and gone straight to bed to sleep off a headache, or grabbed so much food that I know I’ve eaten myself a little closer to death, or tried desperately to avoid writing this (or anything)? Continue reading → Tangled Up in Blue
The old adage “Money can’t buy happiness” repeats in my head quite often these days. I’m on the search for a new job to do the same thing I was doing to keep making money to be secure to keep doing the same thing I was doing (rinse, repeat). But what about happiness? I used to think that adage was, quite frankly, bullshit. Rich people can be unhappy. But that’s because they caught up in rich people drama. Continue reading → Money and Happiness
Hi. My name is Erin. And I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. How are you? About a month ago, I lost my job. Although that doesn’t sound right. I know what happened to my job and where it went. It was eliminated altogether. So I didn’t so much lose it. It was more like I lost my direction and career focus. And my income. And my future livelihood. And all the momentum I had built up in my career. Those things are gone and I’m not sure how to find them. After almost 15 years of building up what my management determined was a somewhat useless skill set which only guided me firmly into lower level management or upper level peon status, I don’t know if I want to find them. Continue reading → Starting All Over Again