I’d been thinking about voids a lot lately. Not just a space where something is missing or gone but an endless vortex of darkness.
Two years ago, around the same time this year, I was laid off from my job. I had worked at the same company (albeit in several different roles) for 15 years when it happened. I started when I was 19 and at the time I told myself it was only temporary. Years down the line I was making decent money and had a good house and a nice car. I lived very comfortably even if I wasn’t doing what I thought I wanted to do. I liked the team I was with at the time; we gelled so well and enjoyed working with each other. I wasn’t even thinking of next steps for a career, really.
My celebrating usually stemmed from other things; people being a little nicer to each other, decorations and bright lights that made it fun to walk down the street at night. I’d be remiss if I didn’t throw out that old demon, consumerism, but not because of gift getting (although I am a material girl in a material world).
I was lurking around the Twitterverse a little while back and wasting time, as is my want when work is slow and dull, when I saw a post of epically dumb proportions.
It’s bad when I decide to get out of the house and head to a coffee shop (any coffee shop), but when I get there I don’t talk to anyone and spend every last second feeling like every set of eyes is on me.
Boy, has it been a while since I’ve been on here. I’ve been busy finding myself (turns out I was hiding in the couch cushions the whole time (I’m so sorry for that, please forgive me)). And maybe it wasn’t that I was busy finding myself but finding my way through and maybe just a little bit afraid of all the things I wrote before. I even thought maybe I should just delete this and start all over with another blog but screw it. My habit of quitting things because they aren’t perfect is something I need to break.
I got a new job. I started last week. It’s a manager position. That’s something to get excited about. So why have I come home every night and gone straight to bed to sleep off a headache, or grabbed so much food that I know I’ve eaten myself a little closer to death, or tried desperately to avoid writing this (or anything)?